Hustle Butter CBD Luxe: Live, Love, Hustle
Here is an anonymous customer review I have yet to send Hustle Butter about their new CBD Luxe aftercare cream. Anyway it’s not anonymous anymore, but I stand by what I said. If you see the review anywhere though, maybe don’t tip them off…
“Our signature tattoo cream is loved by tattoo artists worldwide, and especially by their clients. Today. Tomorrow. Forever.” Hustle Butter knows their people, of which I am blessed to be one, and I can attest that this brand is the one for me. Now, I’ve never used the cream. I prefer to dry heal my tattoos into a pus laden heaping infection, so the tattoo looks fossilised like an ancient insect coated in amber. But, I don’t need to use the cream to tell you this cream is for me! It’s not because I’m a tattooer, nor is it because I am a client, and certainly not because I’ll ever use the product. But, I do like jokes, and this joke keeps on giving.
Do you know how stupid you sound when you say “Hustle Butter”? Can I put Hustle Butter on this? Have you smelled Hustle Butter? Mum can you get my Hustle Butter? It sounds even better when it’s said in complete earnest, when both tattooer and client discuss the aftercare process like diligent war generals devising operation Sandstorm.
The only analogous substance I can conjure, which would make sense given the masturbatory nature of the marketing, is semen. Now I am not saying that Hustle Butter is paying a horde of undersexed teens, chained to a production line, afront a giant pornographic cinema, being whipped each time their hand drops in velocity, to create the mountains of Hustle Butter being sold, and then throwing them onto a human trash pile once they are a withered mess of flaccidity. It would explain the growing amount of divine pregnancy that’s been cropping up in the tattoo community, but don’t think that’s what I’m saying. I’m certainly not saying the CEO of Hustle Butter is sitting in their gold plated office rolling in laughter, at the thought of trepid first time tattoo recipients lathering themselves in sin, and then having to call it Hustle Butter as if the joke wasn’t good enough. I’m not saying that.
What I am saying though, is that adding CBD oil to your overpriced semen certainly doesn’t make it any better.
The benefits of CBD oil have been touted by attractive new age influencers, alternative healthcare practitioners, anabolised fitness influencers and hybrids of the aforementioned coincidentally since the reformation of the US Farm Bill in 2018. Thanks to my distrust in scientific evidence co-opted by big pharma, that’s all the advice I need! You can rub it into your temple to open your chakras, or under your tongue to lull yourself into a deep slumber. Or, into your knee to affirm your athlete sponsorship, and use the monetisation to get a cortozone injection.
Yeah it makes you sleep, it’s a sedative. Funny how good my sleep is when I take 6 Oxazepam.
For this reason, CBD may be an effective anti-seizure medication, but I don’t think Julie Yoga Hotstuff has epilepsy. People claim their chakras open because their cells become “motivated and open”, I wish I wasn’t copying that word for word. If I want motivation for my cells I want a microscopic, fake tanned, Tony Robbins going in there in a shrunken Tesla screaming and shaking my cells with his giant microscopic hands, not to have them taking sedatives. Maybe it helps with pain, or maybe the healthy remuneration for your sponsored post helps with the pain, I can’t be sure.
What I do know is I’m trying to heal my tattoo, and I’m not buying it.
So what would I buy?
Well, instead of getting your horde of zitty teenage boys on a steady diet of CBD oil before you have them procreate into Vaseline tubs, why don’t you feed them on a diet of raw Mackerel. Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner will be a parfait of minced raw whole Mackerel, washed down with fish oil as hydration. Plenty of research showing how good Mackerel is for skin! The Hustle Butter will practically be swimming into the jars, and that topical Omega 6 will really give the sheen and protection your clients are after. Before you know it, Hustle Butter will be the forerunning influential tattoo brand of social media, and every fitness influencer will be rubbing Mackerel heads on their knees and opening their chakras with fish fingers, thanks to you. You still get your joke, you still get your stupid name, and you can actually stand behind your additives!
Which is better than standing in front of them, because you might get cum on.